Airport Smirking in TwEleven

Been flying around for work, and using my twitter account to make fun of people in airports. For best results, read from the bottom to the top.

-On the plane. About to dominate these hoes at inflight trivia.

-Let me reiterate: I can't name one cool guy that wears a vest.

-Fats girls and bumpits. Hot damn.

-I refuse to hope that the lovely woman across from me will be my seat mate.That way, it'll hurt less when it turns out to be a sweaty Swede.

-Sad, disheveled Asian man arrives in Orlando. Reminds me of that dude in the beginning of "Gung Ho."

-Thinking about shaving my head, man.

-Popped collar *and* a Mr. T starter kit?! You win, man. YOU WIN.

-Kids arriving at the Orlando airport are almost as happy as I am to be departing.

-Unless you're Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder, I don't care how bad the glare is; only dickholes wear sunglasses indoors.

-Woman across from me looks me up and down, says "I'm glad you're not wearing Crocs.Take me to PleasureTown."Ok, she didn't.But her eyes did.

-I think that, if I was an airline pilot, if see what I could do about not wearing that ridiculous ass hat.

-Lovely woman sits across from me, smiles. I am immediately thrown off my asshole twitter groove.

-13 year old boy in a headband and aviators. Little league doucherdom.

-I'm not especially good looking, but I can promise you this, hypothetical future wife: you will never see me in a pair of Crocs.

-I can't name one cool guy that wears a vest.

-Two dudes in acid washed jeans having a conversation in Russian. Trying to gauge whether they'll get the joke if I yell "Wolveriiiiiinness!"

-2 young women looking at pics on a laptop. One says, "and this is my little brother."I'm fighting the urge to say "bitch, that's a mistake."

-A boy's icecream melts while his sister gives him unintentionally awesome advice: " OMG, eat it. Lick it on the sides. Swallow it already"

-White pants/black panties takes another lap. I see you, modern day Hester Prynne.

-One really sick Asian, coughing and sneezing, trying to give me SARS and shit. That ain't cool.

-At this point, I would be surprised if I saw an older woman *without* a fanny pack. Oh, Orlando.

-Stankin Europeans talking that jibberjabber, smelling like ass.

-I don't care how crowded the airport is, the seat next to me is taken... #unlessyoureabadB

-Fellas, if you're going bald, go gracefully. Just saw a dude who looks like Kevin at Pam and Jim's wedding.

-A late 20s woman trying to have a very polite, rational conversation with her laptop. It ain't trying to hear that bullshit.

-Changing clothes in an airport bathroom is as close as I'll ever get to being on Fear Factor.

-Being an Arab in an airport must be slot like being a Bama fan in Auburn right now.

-Little kids with kid-sized luggage is not cute; it's just a giant pain in the ass of people who like to walk without dealing with your shit.

-Dude sitting on the big planter, one foot up on his rollerbag, looks like he has a bit of the captain in him. Also, looks like a daterapist.

-I apparently put on some cougarbait cologne without realizing it. In the words of Snoop Dizzle: "I said I am; go axe my mother, and with..."

-If you're white, don't do dreadlocks. Just don't.

-Old dude wandering around the terminal, mouth agape like a freshly-caught catfish.

-Grannytoe. Gross.

-Old woman leaning on a huge planter, her thighs on the rim. She looks like a man pissing in the world's biggest toilet bowl.

-White pants, black panties. Not exactly classy, but still commendable and appreciated.

-Two French Canadians are talking about Toomer's Corner. They can't figure out why it's a big deal.

-Airport twitter stream: engage.


-Not sitting with the boots and jeans; instead, I'm squeezed next to a woman pushing 2 bills. FML

-Big girl gets busted trying to carryon. 3 bags. C'mon, son. You ain't slick.

-Double denim and Redwing boots. If that ain't country, I'll kiss your ass.

-Time to board. If I'm sitting next to jeans-and-boots, I'm highfiving the flight
attendant.

-Dropdead gorgeous woman renews my faith in the jeans-and-tall-boots combo.

-Baby-craving grandmother flits between infant sleeping in mother's lap and the gate
information screen; unnecessarily stressed out

-Early teen girl's ringtone is MJ's Smooth Criminal. Mote importantly, who the hell is calling her at 620 in the AM?

-Hair-plugged doucher and trophy wife in matching tracksuits. Yes.

-The ginger is doing work on that cheesecake.

-The airport is one of those rare places where only about 10% of the people really know their way around.

-35ish Latino man, not entirely sure he can pull of the linen suit and pink shirt thing he has going on. Looks like Marietta Vice.

-Tall ginger woman sits down to eat breakfast: a huge Starbucks and what appears to be a 4 lb. hunk of cheesecake.

-40ish dude with a killer front-tuck. I hear you, 1999!

-When I see an airport worker with a duffle bag, my experience with movies says that it has to be full of cocaine or dirty cash.

-Late 30s woman in pajamas and sweatshirt, trying to decide if her comfort level is worth looking like a jackwagon in public.

-If they weren't wearing security lanyards and ID tags, most airport workers could be confused with the homeless in College Park.

-Ricky Bobby takes his seat, pulls hat down over face. A small, mean part of me hopes he sleeps through boarding

-Dude ambles into the gate area in the official white guy uniform for early spring: shorts, flipflops, baseball cap, Polo, and NorthFace. TFM

-Old school playa in a maroon 7-button suit. It's hard out here for a pimp.

-Even though boarding won't start for another 30 minutes, one old guy sits poised and wide-eyed like a free safety before the snap.

-A man of obvious style and distinction arrives at the gate in a NASCAR team hat and jacket. I suspect he pisses excellence.

-And there's the first Ed Hardy sighting of the morning. It's too early for gold foil, America.

-Despite (or maybe because of) the uniform, I can never quite take airline pilots seriously. They look about as official as milkmen.

-A family shows up; the grandmother is eying the infant like a grizzly bear looking at a salmon.

-Not a lot going on right now; there are three people at the gate, and a handful of airport workers are shambling through the terminal.

-Airport twitter stream - engage

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-And we're off. Stay classy, Tampa. And thanks for stopping by

-Pierre the Hutt is asleep, dreaming about eclairs and shit.

-Another luggage handler appears below the plane. Completely unsurprised to see neck tattoos.

-I wonder if a pilot ever faked a mechanical problem just so he could "emergency land" in the Bahamas or somewhere else really cool

-I think that, if you fly with Delta a lot, they should let you sit in the cockpit and maybe drive the plane sometimes.

-The firstclass FA is a sweet Asian lady, while the one in coach looks like she starred in Tyler Perry presents Madea Got a Job with Delta.

-Boom. Love that bump to first class. Look nice and be polite to people at the gate

-Can't wait for that cranberry juice and Biscoff cookie. #itsthelittlethings

-I wonder if you can wheelie one of those luggage trailer carts

-Tall dude in the all-black. "Dammit, John, you look like you're goin to a funeral." "maybe I am"

-Luggage handler outside the plane with a Mr T starter kit, Louis V Nikes and D&G stunna shades.

-Fat French dude from the restaurant sitting next to me on the plane. Smells like cabbage and Drakkar Noir

-TSA is serious about this flight. Swabbing hands and everything

-Lady pulling a purse-sized rollerbag, has hair like Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men.

-Two ladies across from me talking the third, stop abruptly, look away right as she returns from wherever. Ménage a trois of awkward turtle

-Borderline cute TSA agent, moseying around the gate like Wyatt Earp with a pushup bra.

-Look, Planet Earth, I like women in yoga pants, but that industry needs some government regulation. Why make make size 20 stretchy pants?

-Gateworker comes out from behind the desk. Ass so big she makes Nicki Minaj look like Olive Oyl. So much booty, she could be an asssstronaut

-50 something white dude in shorts and some Oregon-yellow ErrForceOnes. C'mon, son.

-The strippers from the restaurant are sitting behind me at the gate. Chicks dig the pinstripes.

-A couple of Army guys roll through. Bless em, keep em safe

-The PA speaker tells us to report suspicious activity as a guy walks by, scratching himself and singing Love in an Elevator. Apropos.

-Older lady wearing a huge fuzzy top hat. Hold up, granny; you ain't in Jamiroquai.

-Dude wearing a nice suit with a Packers tie. Have to assume he's a doucher.

-Three strippers chatting loudly about their trip to Dallas and lapdance technique. "yeah, girl, you just gotta really grind it in there"

-Fat French dude eyeballing my lunch. Chingchangchong, I can't understand you. #theyalsothinktheyrethebestdancers

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-Airport twitter stream - engage

-Boarding the plane. Next stop - Tampa, FL; home of roughly half the world's stripper population.

-Customer service agent still on the honeymoon with his red jacket. You didn't win the Masters, dude; you just got an airport asskisser job.

-Didn't get the first class upgrade. Sometimes I think Delta takes joy in raising, then crushing my hopes.

-Lady with the baby fulfills dreams of pervy dudes. Is it legal to breastfeed in an airport? I feel like this is a homeland security issue.

-If the people at the gate were playing pickup basketball, I feel pretty confident that I'd be in the first 3 picked. Feels good.

-Dude on the elderly assistance golfcart trying to run game on a PYT. Can't hear, but pretty sure he's saying "can I holla? Hollahollaholla"

-Large woman in a red tracksuit knocks over bags. I fought the urge to say "Oh Yeaaahhhh!" Afraid of asswhipping and noone getting the joke.

-Of the 100 or so people sitting at the gate, literally no one is talking to one another.

-Middle aged guy in a suit stands, looks around. Wait, make that "a hundred middle aged guys in suits stand, look around."

-The terminal crowd parts for a man in Carhartts, a RealTree button down, and an Alabama hat. Roll Tide.

-Dude in skinny jeans. That shit will never be acceptable.

-Older couple holding hands and cuddling; they're either still neckdeep in love or committed to making the rest of us uncomfortable.

-I spend a lot of time in airports and I've never seen someone cool carrying a violin case.

-40ish man feeling a little out of place, kicks up the cool by leaning on a pillar and putting his foot on it like a Cinemax shower scene.

-Flight arrives from Pittsburgh. 3 out of 5 passengers have passable kid rock goatees.

-Gate agent in a too-fly-for-work hat, looking like ghetto Robin Hood

-Greasy chick in a pair of Jackie Os....at 630 in the morning. The sun has literally not been out in about 12 hours. GTFOOHWTBS

-Young woman with a tiny baby in arms, wearing a loose fitting shirt. 75% of dudes at the gate are thinking "come onnnnn, titty!"

-Aaand, after a few months' hiatus, the airport twitter feed is back!

Dorcas Gustine: Great Character, Stupid Name

This is from Edgar Lee Masters’s Spoon River Anthology. It’s a great book that you probably pretended to read in high school. Every poem is a first-person epitaph, and, between the lines and in the gaps between the poems’ points of view, it subtly illustrates all the spiderwebbing scandals and fears of a small town. I’ve loved it since I first picked it up in Robby Davis’s beginning acting class in high school.

For one assignment, we had to pick an epitaph, create the character, then perform the poem. I forgot which one I did in high school (and when I had to do it in undergrad, and then again in grad school), but there are a few that I’ve always loved. My favorite, though, is this one:

Dorcas Gustine

I WAS NOT beloved of the villagers,
But all because I spoke my mind,
And met those who transgressed against me
With plain remonstrance, hiding nor nurturing
Nor secret griefs nor grudges.
That act of the Spartan boy is greatly praised,
Who hid the wolf under his cloak,
Letting it devour him, uncomplainingly.
It is braver, I think, to snatch the wolf forth
And fight him openly, even in the street,
Amid dust and howls of pain.
The tongue may be an unruly member—
But silence poisons the soul.
Berate me who will—I am content.

It doesn’t need much explanation. Dorcas is a tough old broad, and the straightest of shooters. There’s an amazing, rugged dignity in her ruthless honesty. The greatest thing about her is that she is, to borrow from Raymond Chandler, neither tarnished nor afraid.

Anyway, I’ve always wanted to be Dorcas Gustine when I grow up (except I want to still be a dude). My favorite people are those who are not afraid to fling their uncomfortable truths into the daylight, and address them thusly. Too many of us skirt around the things that we really know, slowly poisoning ourselves and the people around us.

I like to think that anyone who has a place in my life is worthy of the truth, and is made of stern enough stuff to handle it. It’s a tough ditch to dig, but I’ve never told someone the truth and felt worse about myself afterward. Does it make for some uncomfortable moments? Absolutely. But I’ll take an awkward, unpopular truth over a warm, fuzzy lie every time.