Is this the real Caesar's Palace? Did he really live here?

Firstly, my bad; I know it’s been a minute since my last (sober) entry. I’ve had plenty of ideas worth writing about, but, when I sat down to write, something else always came up. Meh, what are you going to do? So, I have a tall Captain & Coke in front of me, The Hangover is playing on the DVD, and Goose is snoring over by the stairs. One way or another, I’m getting through this one. So, here we go.

Right now, I’m at the scene in which they’re toasting on the roof. Everything’s fine; just a bunch of dudes doing dude stuff. No big deal. . .until Alan cuts his hand, freaking everybody out. As it stands, I can’t think of a better lead-in for what I’ve been meaning to write about for the last two or three weeks. For no reason other than a desire for more intimacy in an otherwise pretty intimate situation, he raises the stakes.

I’m a big believer in managing situations and environments. Way back in the day, when I was taking the Motorcycle Safety Foundation course to get my license, there was some long acronym like SPID or something (they later shortened it to SEE, but that doesn’t matter right here). Either way, the S stood for Scan and the P was Predict. I find myself doing that a lot, especially off the bike. When I’m in the dogpark with Goose, I can usually spot the dumbass who doesn’t know how to manage his rottie before anything happens. When I’m in the bar, I know which guy is going to bow up at Ronal before he does. There’s a world of information out there; all we have to do is pay attention. With that being said, you can usually spot the people who can’t help raising the stakes for dumb reasons. You probably know it, but you’re so excited about this new person that you ignore all the signs.

In relationships, things usually take care of themselves. There’s really no reason to try to give the other person the preview version of yourself (“My friends are really important to me; I mean, they’re a huge part of my life” – no shit; that’s why they’re your friends, genius); if you spend enough time with someone, you find out who they are. If you take this concept, and crank it up to 11, you get to the heart of what I’m going for here:

In the early days of the relationship, it’s easy to sell yourself to the other party. John Mayer (shut up, I like his music) has a great riff on it. He calls it ‘managing the weight of your words.’ His theory is that “I’ve been thinking about you” turns into “I’m falling in love with you” turns into “I love you” and so on. When it happens organically, on its own timeline, it’s actually a pretty great thing.

Sometimes, though, one of the people in the car has their foot duct-taped to the gas pedal. When you two have established that you like each other’s company, they throw on the helmet and dumb sunglasses and channel their inner Dale Earnhardt. They don’t want to go out for drinks; they want to spend the weekend camping with their close friends and family. They don’t want to go see a movie or take the dog to the park for the afternoon; they want to spend all weekend together, bouncing from the bed to the couch to a drive through to the couch, etc. When it starts, you thinking to yourself, “Wow, this person is really into us being together; this is awesome.” It takes a few weeks until you realize what’s going on.

You probably jump into intimacy way too early, and things probably get heavy way before the relationship is strong enough to bear everybody’s issues. It’s the outset of two people getting to know one another; it should be fun and light and easy. There’s no reason to up the stakes, because things are good! But it happens. When the butterflies start settling down, and find yourself getting comfortable, they need that rush of adrenaline or whatever it is. They need to be the center of your world and they need your attention. When it starts, maybe they blow up your phone with calls and texts, maybe they inundate your facebook wall, maybe both. They need to be physically close to you, and, when that’s impossible, they need to know that you miss them. It gets worse and more ridiculous, until you can’t deal with it any longer.

The saddest part of it all is that it usually stems from a very basic and very endearing desire: everybody wants to be loved. Everybody wants to feel wanted and desired and loved. When you find yourself there, in love, it is the best part of breathing and walking around on two feet. We want, so much, to be in love that, when we think we may be close to it, we rush at it like the breach in Henry V. It’s like when you’re driving home after a long weekend out of town. It’s Sunday night, you have like 20 miles to go, and you’re just ready to be home, so you start rushing and driving like a douche. You don’t really get home any faster, and, sometimes, you get a ticket or have an accident.

Just like the ticket or wreck, this particular bit of relationship self-sabotage is completely avoidable. If you’re enjoying your time with someone, then ENJOY YOUR TIME WITH THEM. If you’ve been hanging out for a week or two, and you like them and they like you, that’s awesome. That’s the way it should be, right? If you find yourself wanting more, give it some time, and you’ll probably get it. Like I said before, things usually take care of themselves without our pushing and prodding. Enjoy the moments, big and small, and look forward to what’s next without trying to orchestrate it.

Let it breathe.