Smirking in an Airport

I get bored in airports. I used to keep a book or magazine in my travel bag, but, after talking about books all day, I'm usually tired of reading. So, lately, I've been peoplewatching and saying mean things about them on twitter. There's something to be said about the economy of it, and it's an interesting exercise to tell a whole story in 140 characters; not entirely unlike trying to write a poem in blank verse. So, if you ever see me smirking into my iPhone in the airport, this is probably what I'm doing:

-Dude in the airport reading Slaughterhouse Five...looks just like a guy that you'd imagine reads Vonnegut in an airport.

-Mid20s girl bitching on her phone about having to gate-check her bag as the gate attendant gate-checks her bag. It may end up in Indochina.

-Balding guy with what appears to be a mullet in its death throes. Hang in there, buddy; keep living the dream.

-Young, pale dude killing a big bag of M&Ms; willing to bet a hundy that he's going through World of Warcraft withdrawals.

-Older guy, bags hanging off both shoulders, is poised to pounce when the attendant breathes the first syllable of "now boarding."

-Person of indiscriminate gender wearing an LSU T, holding a pillow. Most likely smells of Funyons and dead dreams. Will probably sit by me.

-Older gentleman very, very close to falling asleep. Excellent chance that he's going to fall out of his chair. May also piss his pants.

-Smug man in his early 30s, intermittently looking up from his iPhone, smirks into his Vitaminwater Zero, goes back go tweeting his snark.

-Gentleman in a pair of Carharts, on the phone with (presumably) his credit card company. "I just wanted to tell y'all I'm going to France."

-Gate attendant with a not-quite-right ponytail smiles like a jackal, instructs everybody else to wait on the delta medallion flyers.

-I've seen way too many gold-foil Affliction tees this morning. Really looking forward to being home tonight.

-Two Korean girls that have been in Florida too long. Equal parts Seoul & Jersey Shore.

-Small woman in military fatigues, holding the largest laptop of all time. Dom Delouise didn't have a lap that big.

-Dude younger than me in a bowling shirt. No immediate evidence of any sense of irony. I think he's given up on life.

-Large woman listing back and forth as she lumbers down the central walkway. I shit you not; she has a gallon-sized ziploc full of hot wings.

-30something dude in a pinstripe suit, no tie, and stupid hair. Pauses tweeting on iPhone to answer email on blackberry. Rolls eyes. "Shiiit"

-Older woman across the aisle, smiling demurely. Has her flirt game on point, but has been botoxed so much that she looks Chinese.

-Little girl with grandparents. Face painted up like a tiger, holding Mickey Mouse. She will regret the pictures they're taking in 5 years.

-Feminine dude at the gate counter, loudly asking why he hasn't been upgraded. Gate attendant searching for a nice way to say "b/c you suck"

-Young woman in obnoxious business suit. Think Annie Lennox in "Sweet Dreams," but with Terrence Cody's shoulderpads.

-Early 20s Nicole Ritchie clone. Chanel sunglasses so big, they look like those huge novelty sunglasses from a 1986 Spencer's Gifts store.

-Flight attendant longstriding down the concourse, wearing a pair of Club Cheetah heels and a face like Indiana Jones's jacket.

-Airline pilot walking slowly, hands in pockets. Trying to look casual despite the ridiculous hat. Hopefully, he's not too drunk to fly.

-Ordinary white guy walks past, sees my iPhone, quickly pulls his iphone from his pocket like it's a sign that we were separated at birth.

-Little boy behind me has discovered the simple, perfect joy of making fart noises. Welcome to the club, little brother.

-!!! Guy at the gate counter says, "No, I can't lower my voice!" fighting the urge to run up and say "Ain't you seen my movies? Mm mm bitch!"

-Older lady stretching her shoulders while reading a magazine, unconsciously doing the Bankhead bounce.

-Older person of undetermined gender with a Bobby Cremins white-blonde bowlcut. Looks like the world's biggest kindergartener.

-Larger teenage girl reinforces the known fact that only a very small number of people look good in sweatpants.

-Gentleman in his 40s, either reading his daughter'wife's magazine or disturbingly interested in Britney Spears's recovery.

-Ridiculously attractive Indian woman. The baddest chick at the terminal, even if she's wearing a UF tee and mom jeans.

-Family of Gingers. Fucking gross.

-Mid-20s woman, probably a dancer of some kind, makes a convincing case for being one of the few people that look good in sweatpants.

-Obviously blind and friendless man sitting on a bench. No other explanation for him leaving home in an Georgia Tech polo.

-Trio of Guidos, reeking of spraytan, steroids, and repressed desires for man ass.

-Late 20s girl in jeans & faded GIJoe tee, haircut blurring the line between asymmetrical hipster & "I got drunk & went to Supercuts."

-Hairy-backed and barbwire-tatooed gentleman in a black tank top, making sure everybody knows that they're in Orlando.

-Well tanned and Ed Hardy-clad dudes. I really hope they're European and not douches who should know better.

-Young woman beside me in the midst of a very serious, grownup conversation about business while eating the world's biggest Snickers bar.

-(Sort of) woman fullbacking down the concourse. Either a really butch lesbian or an authentic, real deal Holyfield lumberjack.

-A full gate's worth of unhappy people, sitting, frowning, and sweating together. Can't really blame them; they're going to Salt Lake City.

-Family of dirtnecks, rolling about nine deep. Lots of sleeveless tees, not a lot of dignity. I didn't know that Thorsby had an airport.

-Two women, probably coworkers/colleagues, sitting as far apart as adjacent seats will allow, patiently hating each other, eating skittles.

-Homeland security guy, pushing a cart, a little too proud of his blue shirt & badge. Looks like he failed out of campus policeman school.

-Puffy, peroxide blonde girl skypes loudly "I got this real bad sunburn all over my tummy.I think I'm allergic to the FL sun. The kids suckk"

-Doucher dad and hipster daughter arguing over who gets the window seat. He keeps looking around, "will anybody see me choke this trick?"

-Squad of late teen dudes, swathed in Hollister, Bieber hair & deep Vs. Future DateRapists of America.

-Middle aged Asian woman in horrible glasses, looking like emeffing Kim Jong Il in this piece. Your soccer team is awfulllllll!

-Late 30s redhead in a pair of her daughter's jeans, seriously testing the limits of bra technology.

-Early 40s guy in company-issued polo, not satisfied with doucher flattop, had to take it to the limit with the Kenny Powers goatee.

-14 year old jackwagon, looking like a funsized Fred Durst.

-Junior college softball team rolling hard. In their heads, they're in slow motion while Pantera or some such bullshit is the soundtrack.

-Eastern European dude in a tracksuit, which either makes him a gymnastics coach or one of Niko Bellic's friends from the old country.

-Hardcore business dude powerwalking through, got more shit on his belt than emeffing Batman.

-Too-stylish chick trying hard to look bored with life. Looks like she borrowed her boots from the female villain in Superman 2.

-Another woman disproves the aforementioned sweatpants theory. Pretty sure she's a dancer, too, but more of the kind that Tpain sings about.

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In other news:
I haven't had time to mess up any relationships, watch the two month old Netflix DVD on my counter, or fix the flat tire on my Ducati lately.

Whatever happens, the dude abides.

Later, taters.